Applying to College

In the midst of college applications I am beginning to feel entirely burnt out when it comes to writing. I’ve been trying to write the same application essay for more then two weeks and have barely made a dent in it. The 300 or so words that I have written are okay at best. The thing is, I’m really excited about this school. In fact, I’m more excited about it than anything else going on in my life right now. Plus, I know that it’s important. And yet everytime I open up the doc containing the words for my future, I feel empty. It’s like every ounce of enthusiasm within me has been slowly leaking out over these last months.

I feel like an old-timey doctor has prescribed a good ole bloodletting, y’know get those demons out of my veins, and I’ve just been standing here watching it flow out onto my skin and drip to the floor. But they’re not demons at all. He’s let out my inspiration and passion. Everytime I look at my 300ish words I get stuck.

Who am I? Why do I want to go there? Why do I want this major? I know why, I truly do. I have answers! Yet, everytime I go to write them they turn into bland, robotic statements. The truth is: I love Wisconsin and its glittering snowfalls, I love the thunderous school spirit that their students harbor, I love the beautiful city in which it sits, I love so many things about this school. With their help I can travel the world (I’m most excited about their programs to Tanzania and Spain), study animals, learn a new language, volunteer with Habitat for Humanity, and so many other amazing things. I know that I have a passion and a dream and I want to pursue them. I know that not only is their campus beautiful, but their mission and student culture is too. On their campus I felt invincible, like no matter what I wanted to do this was the place to do it.

So, I know exactly why I want to spend my next four years there. Why can’t I just make my essay individual and eloquent instead of a mess of blocky, uncomfortable sentences. Thank the Good Lord™ for the long weekend.

____________________

P.S. if anyone wants to help me edit it LMK! I could sure use it.

My Life in Chronic Pain

I try my best to conceal the pain in my body, usually by ignoring it or turning it into a joke. I feel like a nuisance when I complain. Pain is as normal to me as breathing, but even so, that doesn’t mean it’s always easy to handle. Pain is still pain even when it’s expected. It’s such a constant force in my life, and there are so many parts to it that I’m frequently nervous that my friends don’t even believe me, they can’t feel it and I’m sure can’t really imagine it. People tend to think that I’m exaggerating, which is really frustrating. Although, I am sure it may sound too crazy to believe to others. So, here’s a glimpse into the absurdity of my broken, pain riddled body:

• My left hip was dislocated at birth and it still commonly pops in and out of place- sometimes it’s not a big deal, other times I can’t walk for hours or days. It’s also just uncomfortable ~all the time.

• When I was two my family was run over by a semi-truck while we were travelling down the highway. My oldest brother sustained a severe concussion and my second oldest brother broke his back in six places. It was unclear if either was going to live at first. In fact, the only reason my second oldest brother beat the odds (those being ~14% chance of survival and ~10% chance of survival without paralysis within that 14%) was because a top spinal surgeon happened to be in the city and volunteered to do the surgery. With all of that happening it was easy to overlook my injuries. They thought I was just shaken up and most of the focus was on them. Four years later we found out that I’d actually broken my back in two places and it had healed incorrectly. As a result, I use the muscles in my back, neck, and jaw incorrectly. This means that my entire back needs constant medical care or the pain becomes too much for me to even move, the same for my neck but it also causes migraines without proper care, and my jaw is numb or in pain all the time and clicks in and out of place of its own whims.

• I’ve gotten migraines since the car accident. If I leave them untreated for too long I begin to lose vision and have difficulty hearing.

• I’ve had my knee pain for as long as I can remember, I’ve never gotten any conclusive diagnosis. My doctors all have their own ideas about it and mainly now just focus on lessening the pain.

• Most recently I tore my ATFL, a small ligament in my right ankle, and my ACL, a large boi ligament in my left knee. I had to get surgeries to correct both and they are still quite painful, my ATFL every once in a while and my ACL almost all the time.

So, yeah, my body basically just sucks at being a body- literally from my head to my ankle and everything in between. Walking hurts. Sitting hurts. Standing hurts. Even laying down hurts. I try not to let it limit me, but sometimes it’s too hard not to let it take over. I’ve been having a few of those days when it doesn’t even seem worth fighting. Pain killers help to ease it but, even then, there’s only so much they can dull. On those days, I’ll probably be distant and quiet, maybe even rude (please don’t be offended it’s so hard to stay positive sometimes). But I have good days too, where I’m just mildly uncomfortable because of a couple of these problems and those days feel like a blessing every time. I usually only get them a couple times a week or less. I try to live those days as fully as I can.

Sorry to complain after starting off by saying I try to avoid it, but my body sucks and that sucks. I’m upset about it. I wish I could live a carefree life but I’ll never get to. It’s always in the back of my mind.

So, please, if someone says something hurts, believe them. Please be kind about injuries, those of us who suffer from them would also much prefer not to!!