My Life in Chronic Pain

I try my best to conceal the pain in my body, usually by ignoring it or turning it into a joke. I feel like a nuisance when I complain. Pain is as normal to me as breathing, but even so, that doesn’t mean it’s always easy to handle. Pain is still pain even when it’s expected. It’s such a constant force in my life, and there are so many parts to it that I’m frequently nervous that my friends don’t even believe me, they can’t feel it and I’m sure can’t really imagine it. People tend to think that I’m exaggerating, which is really frustrating. Although, I am sure it may sound too crazy to believe to others. So, here’s a glimpse into the absurdity of my broken, pain riddled body:

• My left hip was dislocated at birth and it still commonly pops in and out of place- sometimes it’s not a big deal, other times I can’t walk for hours or days. It’s also just uncomfortable ~all the time.

• When I was two my family was run over by a semi-truck while we were travelling down the highway. My oldest brother sustained a severe concussion and my second oldest brother broke his back in six places. It was unclear if either was going to live at first. In fact, the only reason my second oldest brother beat the odds (those being ~14% chance of survival and ~10% chance of survival without paralysis within that 14%) was because a top spinal surgeon happened to be in the city and volunteered to do the surgery. With all of that happening it was easy to overlook my injuries. They thought I was just shaken up and most of the focus was on them. Four years later we found out that I’d actually broken my back in two places and it had healed incorrectly. As a result, I use the muscles in my back, neck, and jaw incorrectly. This means that my entire back needs constant medical care or the pain becomes too much for me to even move, the same for my neck but it also causes migraines without proper care, and my jaw is numb or in pain all the time and clicks in and out of place of its own whims.

• I’ve gotten migraines since the car accident. If I leave them untreated for too long I begin to lose vision and have difficulty hearing.

• I’ve had my knee pain for as long as I can remember, I’ve never gotten any conclusive diagnosis. My doctors all have their own ideas about it and mainly now just focus on lessening the pain.

• Most recently I tore my ATFL, a small ligament in my right ankle, and my ACL, a large boi ligament in my left knee. I had to get surgeries to correct both and they are still quite painful, my ATFL every once in a while and my ACL almost all the time.

So, yeah, my body basically just sucks at being a body- literally from my head to my ankle and everything in between. Walking hurts. Sitting hurts. Standing hurts. Even laying down hurts. I try not to let it limit me, but sometimes it’s too hard not to let it take over. I’ve been having a few of those days when it doesn’t even seem worth fighting. Pain killers help to ease it but, even then, there’s only so much they can dull. On those days, I’ll probably be distant and quiet, maybe even rude (please don’t be offended it’s so hard to stay positive sometimes). But I have good days too, where I’m just mildly uncomfortable because of a couple of these problems and those days feel like a blessing every time. I usually only get them a couple times a week or less. I try to live those days as fully as I can.

Sorry to complain after starting off by saying I try to avoid it, but my body sucks and that sucks. I’m upset about it. I wish I could live a carefree life but I’ll never get to. It’s always in the back of my mind.

So, please, if someone says something hurts, believe them. Please be kind about injuries, those of us who suffer from them would also much prefer not to!!